It's different

One of my friends recently shared on Facebook that she was struggling with being newly home with her second Chinese son.  She received so many encouraging comments, it was beautiful!  But she also received a hurtful comment implying that parenting biological and adopted children is exactly the same, and she should roll with the punches because everyone else had been through the same things with their new children.  Although I know this could be true in some cases, I also know that parenting adopted children is sometimes very different.

Of course, each child is unique and different.  There is no one-size-fits-all status for any child, biological or adopted.  But as a parent of both biological and adopted children, I see the differences, especially when they first become part of your family.  Parenting a new child who may have been institutionalized for the first part of their life - who may not have had someone to meet their needs consistently, who may not have been loved or told how precious they are, who may have been neglected and/or abused - can be very challenging and delicate compared to parenting a child who was loved and had his/her needs met consistently from the beginning.  While I know that biological children can also offer significant challenges, institutionalization introduces a number of issues not typically common with biological children.  Children who have been institutionalized can be traumatized, hurt, and delayed.  Children generally lose one month of development and linear growth for every three months they are institutionalized.  Our children often come to us with behaviors learned to survive.  We usually do not share most of those behaviors with others to protect our hurting children.

Teaching them that they have parents who love them unconditionally and will meet their needs often takes a lot of intentionality and time.  This may include not letting anyone hold our children or help with any basic needs until he/she is firmly attached and bonded to us as their new parents.  As much as we may want and desperately need the help that is very naturally accepted when we bring biological newborns home, we oftentimes hold off with adopted children because we know it's best for our children.  There may not have been a consistent caregiver in their past.  They may have depended on only themselves to survive.  Survive is defined as "to continue to live or exist, in spite of danger or hardship."  Survival is the most basic human instinct that children shouldn't have to worry about.  If consistency is lacking, our children may think they can only depend on themselves.  Oftentimes the only way to teach them that mama and daddy will always be there for them is to be the only people to meet their needs.  It can be exhausting and isolating.

Add in the fact that you are parenting a new toddler (or older child in many cases) with a very clear personality for the first time ... the road can be much harder and may look a lot different than parenting biological children.  Throw in a the possibility of a language barrier, institutional delays, weekly therapies, and medical special needs ... it all just compounds how difficult adoptive parenting can be.  It may be easy to look at the beautiful airport homecoming pictures and new family portraits and think the family is filled with love and everything is perfect.  The truth is the family is filled with love and it is very beautiful indeed, but things are not always perfect.  Fortunately we are filled up daily with His perfect love and that shines through.  It is only from the Father that we have the strength in those first few months (or sometimes years).  Only He makes beauty from ashes and has the ability to redeem the brokenness of adoption.  His beauty and truth always shine through.

I do not think everyone should feel sorry for anyone or adoptive parents deserve a big pat on the back.  We all mess up daily (often minute by minute) just like every other parent on the planet and need Jesus desperately!  I write it only to offer a different perspective and to hopefully share that parenting biological and adopted children can be very different. It's hard to understand for most people who haven't parented children from hard places. I get that.  But when adoptive parents are struggling through something tough and are asking for support and prayer, it may not always be the normal everyday parenting stuff.  Of course, it is ALL worth it. Totally worth it. Biological or adopted, it doesn't matter - every bit of it is worth it. Every child who we have the privilege of parenting here on earth is precious and unique. We get such a special opportunity to borrow them for a bit from the Father to train them up!  It is surely beautiful and we are overwhelmed with love.  Our children are gifts from the Lord and it is our privilege to parent them.

{Celebrate China} Her Birth Heritage

I can remember our China trip to adopt Sunshine like it was yesterday.  If I close my eyes, I can remember stepping off the plane, smelling "China", and hearing people speak Mandarin everywhere.  The food, oh the delicious food.  Making a fool out of myself trying to eat with chopsticks.  The hustle and bustle of everyday China going on around me.  The young children following after their mamas in split pants.  The food carts and street vendors.  The sweet little stores.  Chinese flute music.  The stunning architecture.  The lanterns hanging everywhere.  People willing to help in any way they could.  A country so beautifully alive and rich in culture.  A country I fell in love with.  The country where my precious daughter was born.

Before our adoption trip, I didn't realize how naive I was about my understanding of China.  I knew I was born in the year of the monkey on the zodiac calendar, but didn't know anything about celebrating Spring Festival.  I knew the basic things you learn in school about China, knowledge that is so limited and without a true appreciation of the country.  I didn't know much else about China except for how to say "nĭ hăo" and "zài jiàn" in an obvious American accent.  I didn't truly know the culture.  The holidays.  The traditions.  The language.  I didn't know why I needed to know.  I didn't realize how important it was for me to embrace my daughter's birth heritage.  But being in China was the beginning of a transformation for me.

I fell in love with China.  It has a beautiful culture to be celebrated.  As Sunshine's mama, I tried to learn everything I could about China while we were in country.  I took thousands of pictures to help me remember.  And through the years of being her mama, I have yearned to learn even more.  To joyfully embrace the culture that my daughter was born in and came to us from.  To find out about her beginnings as much as I can.

Why?

Because she needs to know who she is, where she came from.  Her Chinese heritage is a vital part of who she is and should be honored.  She is Chinese and American.  Both cultures make up the person she is growing into.  Neglecting to teach her about either one is a disservice, to her and to our family.  In order for her to know herself, she needs to know China.  Our family needs to know China.  To joyfully embrace it.  The holidays.  The traditions.  The language.  The beautifully rich culture.

Her Chinese heritage has become a part of our family, and I'm so thankful for that.  Although our household is American, China is very much alive also.  Sunshine has blessed us by being our daughter and sister, and also by sharing a culture we didn't know we'd adore so much.  We have more reason to celebrate holidays and be with family because of her birth heritage.  More reason to share traditional Chinese stories, learn the Mandarin tones, and sing "Liăng Zhī Láo Hŭ."  More reason to learn how to cook new foods, steam dumplings, and decorate for Spring Festival.  More reason to be forever connected to the country that is my daughter's birth heritage, to honor where she came from.

I am thrilled that tomorrow is a dumpling making day.  All day long.  And all the kids will join in on the fun, and we're bringing a couple friends along for the ride too.  It's a family and friend affair, one that is sure to be enjoyed by everyone.  We will be celebrating Spring Festival for the next 15 days in American Chinese fashion, with food, hóngbāo, music, crafts, and a very large FCC New Year party to round off the festivities.   Xīn nián kuài lè!  Mǎ nián dàjí, my friends!  Let the celebration begin!

Big girl

My feisty three-year-old was still in a crib up until a few weeks ago.  I know that's a little on the older side, but it was easier to stick with a crib because she didn't try to get out.  We didn't switch Angel to a toddler bed until she climbed out at 2 1/2 years, and Lovebug was forced out at three years when we needed the crib for Sunshine.  So I didn't see any reason to move Sunshine out too soon.  A crib is much easier in many ways, or so I thought.

But with a beach trip coming up, and her being too long for a pack 'n play, we decided to give a toddler bed a try.  I would have preferred to leave her in the crib a wee bit longer, but this seemed like a good time to experiment with a toddler bed.  When Sunshine caught the first glimpse of her new sleeping arrangements, her face lit up!  She was very proud of her new big girl bed.  She happily climbed in as we read a goodnight story and prayed together.  She was so protective of her newfound big girliness that she wouldn't even let me lay my head on her pillow with her.  She said, "No mommy, you too big.  You need sleep in your bed.  Dis my bed."  Well ok then, point taken.

I was concerned that the freedom of a toddler bed would give her the ok to come out of her room throughout the night.  So I did what any self-respecting mama would do ... I bribed her with a cookie in the morning if she stayed in bed all night.  Doesn't everyone do that?  :)  But as I closed her door, I was convinced we'd be up all night anyway.  I held my breath listening for bumps and movements.  But wouldn't you know, there were no sounds.  No kicking.  No whispering.  No playing.  No rolling around in the bed like she had been doing every night for the past six months.

Almost a month has past since we moved her to the toddler bed.  She goes right to sleep every night, and has yet to fall out despite her interesting sleep positions.  She never gets out of bed.  This is a stark contrast compared to the shenanigans of the six months prior.  I thought she was going through another sleep phase.  She's been through many of them since we brought her home two years ago.  Too many to count.  But the kicking, whispering, playing, and rolling around had been going on for a long time, and she was missing hours of sleep every night.  Then she'd take shorter naps as well because she was overtired, creating a sleepless cycle.  You get the picture.

I'm not sure why her behavior changed so drastically after switching beds.  I could come up with multiple reasons, none of which may be correct, or all of which may be partially correct.  Or, maybe she was simply trying to tell us she was ready for a big girl bed?  Either way, the results have been wonderful and I am kicking myself for not moving her sooner.  I don't even need to bribe her with a cookie anymore before bedtime!

The Ripple Effect

rip′ple effect` n. A spreading effect or series of consequences caused by a single action or event.

As we guided our weekend Chinese exchange student through Washington D.C. on Saturday, I heard him say multiple times with a big smile on his face, “I have seen these places in American films so many times. And now here I am. It is amazing.” And it really was amazing. We stayed up late and talked and shared each other’s cultures, we laughed a lot, we shared food, we taught him how to pick crabs, we introduced him to our family, we walked over four miles all over D.C., and we took him to church for the first time. Traveling from across the world, he became our fourth child for the weekend. Our family spent the weekend with a practical stranger because our hearts had been opened to Chinese students through a long series of events.

Had we not adopted Sunshine from China two years ago, we might not have a heart for China today. We wouldn’t have met the sweet family (who we now call very dear friends) that introduced us to IECS. My husband probably wouldn’t have spent two weeks in China (with IECS) teaching English to university students in May. And we probably wouldn’t have a heart for Chinese students now, which led us to host a weekend student, and is likewise leading us to host another student for the entire school year beginning next month. I should also add that we found out about both hosting programs through other adoptive parents that are part of the big, awesome, loving adoptive family network (which we also wouldn’t be a part of if we hadn’t adopted). And this particular ripple effect only has to do with serving Chinese students.

See what I mean?

There have been many other ripples caused because of our adoption journey, not even related to Chinese students. Too many to count. And I suspect probably many that we don’t even know about. It’s overwhelming to think about. We have met so many sweet families through adoption, some who have become our very closest friends. My best mama friends are part of the adoption sisterhood too. I have come to know many Chinese friends that I never would have met. I have had the privilege of ministering to other adoptive families, advocating for children, and watching them be united with their forever families. But it hasn’t been all one-sided - we’ve been poured into and learned from many other adoptive parents as well.

Our family has grown and changed in ways that I never dreamed of too. I love being a part of this ripple effect and walking through this journey. It’s amazing how God can use a willingness to step out in faith in one way to cause a chain of events that is much more widespread than one would ever think possible. And I know He isn’t finished yet.

Verbal language ...

Verbal language ... it’s a lovely thing.

After using sign language almost exclusively for the first year and a half of Sunshine’s life with us, it is absolutely amazing to see such progress in her verbal communication now. Her cleft palate was repaired just about a year ago, and her verbal explosion since then is nothing short of miraculous! She started weekly speech therapy sessions in November 2012, about four months after her palate repair. The first session was pretty traumatic for her, but Sunshine quickly learned that Lisa, her speech therapist, wasn’t going anywhere. She also came to find out that Lisa was super fun to play with and therapy sessions were actually pretty great. What toddler doesn’t love 100% undivided attention from an adult anyway?

Progress was a little slow in the beginning as Sunshine learned how to use her newly repaired palate, but she was such a hard worker and always pushed through. She tried over and over and over to get the sounds out of her mouth correctly. It was so beautiful to see her never give up or get discouraged. Ever so slowly, we began to hear more sounds that resembled words! We also began to hear more verbal words replace her signs. It was wonderful!

One of the biggest hurdles Sunshine had to overcome was replacing her glottal stop with the correct sounds for “k” and “g.” This is still an issue for her even now, but it’s a very common compensation that cleft kiddos do. Before the palate is repaired, kids will sometimes create sounds by stopping air at the back of their throats due to the lack of palate. Unfortunately it’s a bad habit to get into because it can be difficult to undo later. Sunshine can now successfully make the correct “k” and “g” sounds, but she’ll add in a glottal stop at the end of words sometimes, so we’re still working on that. Regardless though, hearing her properly pronounce those two difficult sounds is music to my ears! There are other sounds that are difficult for all children to create correctly, so we aren’t worrying about those so much right now (r, l, f, s, and blends).

Another thing we’ve been working on is putting words together to make sentences, as with any other on-target toddler. We started with one-word sentences, and then moved onto two-word sentences. We are now in the process of moving Sunshine from two- and three-word sentences into more complete sentences. She is pretty comfortable at this level and not in a big rush to move forward, but will happily repeat a full sentence if I ask her to say it. And she’ll occasionally pull out a several word sentence to surprise all of us!

Articulation is currently Sunshine’s biggest issue. She talks a lot. A ton. In fact, she doesn’t stop talking all day long. She has loads and loads of things to tell us. But we can’t understand most of it unless it’s in context. This must be terribly frustrating for her. I can’t imagine what it’s like to have so many awesome things to say and finally be able to say them, only to have no one understand me. But she doesn’t give up right away. She says it over and over for me, and will sometimes revert to a sign to express herself. Other times, she’ll let out a big sigh after trying for awhile and say, “nevahmind.” Oh that precious girl! It hurts my heart to see her give up on me, but more and more I am able to understand. We just keep on keepin’ on, and I know articulation will simply come in time.

Lastly, we are also encouraging her to express herself verbally to people other than family members. She is generally a shy child in public (which is pretty ironic, considering her true personality doesn’t have an ounce of shyness in it), so this is going to be difficult in general for her. She shows some progress when talking to other children or adult friends that she sees regularly. I think this is another thing that will simply take time, and I’m perfectly fine with that. Although it’s a long process, I am so proud of how much she has accomplished! In a very short time, she has gone from being completely sign-dependent to almost 100% verbally communicating. Sunshine still has quite a long road ahead of her, but I triumphantly celebrate every new accomplishment with her!

It feels good to be heard

Almost two years ago, we took Sunshine to her first cleft clinic day.  It was a very long day (smack dab in the middle of nap time, mind you) filled with seeing lots of doctors who poked and prodded my child ... the child who had only been home from China for a month and had already been through more trauma than a lot of kids will experience in their whole lifetime ... the child who didn't truly trust her parents yet.  The last doctor we saw that day (after hours of being shuffled around) was the ENT.  At that point, Sunshine was starving, sleep deprived, traumatized, and just plain mad.  Totally understandable, I would have been mad too.  As I forcefully held Sunshine down while she was kicking and screaming, the ENT looked into her ears and told us she couldn't see anything because of the wax build-up.  She then said she'd need to clean out her ears to get a good look.

That's about the time I put the brakes on.  I didn't even know what "cleaning out her ears" would entail, but I knew it was going to be too traumatic for my girl.  Very much against the ENT's judgment, I told her that we would not be cleaning out her ears right then.  I just knew it was too much.  She had already been through so much that day, and let's face it, Sunshine. didn't. trust. me.  Annoyed and frustrated with me, the ENT reluctantly agreed and said that it could be done while she was under general anesthesia before the tubes were placed.  That sounded like a much better idea to me.  My mama bear claws retracted and I turned back into my "normal" mostly-pleasant self.

Now let me be clear, I do not advocate routinely denying medical procedures for children.  But in that moment, at that exact time, I knew in my heart that "cleaning out her ears" was just not in Sunshine's best interest and it was up to me to say so.  Almost two years later, I still believe that was the right decision.  Sunshine went onto have her ears cleaned and tubes placed under general anesthesia without complication, and it all worked out just fine.

So fast-forward to yesterday, Sunshine had an ENT check-up.  It was "standard procedure" - just to check her hearing, and decide whether she'd need another set of tubes.  I'm happy to report that she's on the lower end of "normal" for hearing and that because her speech is coming along so well, they don't see any need for another set of tubes right now!  She did need to have her ears cleaned though (something about Asian ear wax and those tiny ear canals makes them difficult to keep clean at home).  I agreed and made some off-the-cuff comment about it being totally different two years later.

And that's when the ENT had a lightbulb moment ... she said, "Ahhhh, you're that mom.  You know, I have to tell you ... ever since you said what you said, I've stopped requiring newly adopted kids to have their ears cleaned.  You really stuck with me, and what you said makes a lot of sense."  A big smile came across my face knowing that my decision had been validated.  Mamas really do know best and we are our children's best advocates.  Sunshine then went on to have her ears cleaned out yesterday, sans trauma.  It sure does feels good to be heard.

Nature vs. Nurture

Sometimes as I rock Sunshine to bed at night, I think about her first mother. I mostly grieve for all that she will not have the privilege of experiencing with our special girl. I wonder what she is doing now and if she thinks of our daughter. I wonder if she knows how loved Sunshine is and what a true blessing she is to our family. I wonder if she knows how honored I am to be her mama. I wonder if she is curious about her personality, and the cool little person she is growing into.

A few nights ago as we rocked and I was singing You Are My Sunshine, Sunshine started singing along. She’s been singing with me off-and-on for several months now, and it is just the sweetest thing a mama could hear from her speech-delayed baby! But it got me wondering about her first mother a little bit more. Did she like to sing? Does Sunshine sing along with me because her first mother was musically inclined? Or is it simply because I’ve been singing to her for almost two years? Is Sunshine’s feisty, sugar and spice personality a product of her environment or is her first mother the same way? Is she silly because she learned from her older brother or was her first mother also silly? Do they have the same desire to help others? The same keep-trying-till-I-get-it attitude? Are they both observant and careful or did Sunshine learn to be that way because of her life experiences? Is Sunshine loving and affectionate and sweet because we love her in a similar way? Or is it because her first mother was sweet and loving and caring as well? Maybe it’s nature. Maybe it’s nurture. I can’t help but wonder what parts of her personality were decided while still in her first mother’s belly. It’s a part of my daughter’s history that I just don’t know, and is unfortunately unknown in many adoptions.

Oftentimes, I take it for granted that Sunshine just is who she is. I don’t think about the parts of her that her first mother gave her. She is just “Sunshine” to me on most days. There are sometimes when I see her do something that I know, without a doubt, she learned from our family ... things she does that have her big brother or big sister written all over them. It’s undeniable. “Oh, she got that from Lovebug,” I can easily say. But I just don’t know about many of the other traits. I’ll probably never have answers to these questions, but it doesn’t stop me from wondering. And it shouldn’t stop me from celebrating what may have come from her first mother. Even though I may not know the exact traits that she gave Sunshine, they are no less important. And I love her first mother for giving them to her. Sunshine is growing into a miraculous, inspiring little girl partly because of “nature” and partly because of “nurture.” What a beautiful thing that is to witness.

Her Story

I returned from the Created 4 Care retreat late Sunday night. Wow, my head is spinning with all of the information I took in. I still have a lot to sort out, but one theme that really stuck with me is telling Sunshineʼs story in a way that is respectful and considerate to her. Telling it in a way that is sensitive to her perspective and honors her past. Why had I never given this the thought it deserved? This breakout session really made me think, and Iʼm hoping a post about it might help others too.

Iʼve already messed this up, so I want to do my best to get it right going forward. Itʼs her story. Not my story, but her story. Iʼve always been open to sharing about her referral and what we know about her time in China because I think the details are beautiful. I think the way God weaved her into our family is gorgeous and should be shared. I also want to help other adoptive mamas to understand the adoption process, and I foolishly thought telling her story would do that.

What I didnʼt think about was how sharing those details might make her feel in the future. I didnʼt think about how she might not see those details the same way I do. How the way I shared might undermine the beauty of her being my daughter and make her feel like less than the amazing little person she is. As her mama, that is surely the last thing Iʼd ever want her to feel. I cringe as I think about how easily I have talked about her story. No, I fortunately have not shared the most intimate details. I am thankful I had enough forethought to not do that. But, the details of her time in China, no matter how small, before she came home to us, as well as how she came to us, are hers, not mine or even our family’s.

Even though she is still too young to understand and truly grasp what happened, her story is still her story. I didnʼt think about the fact that sharing would be taking away her ability to tell her own story when she is ready. I didnʼt think about how insensitive it was for me to tell her story without her consent. I didnʼt think about how she might want me to answer questions about her past. I didn’t think that she might prefer to be simply “my daughter,” instead of “my daughter who was adopted from China.” Why didn’t I think about any of this?

Long hours of traveling home gave me long hours to wrestle with all of this. For the first time, I’ve been confronted with my insensitivity. And, it wasn’t easy. In some ways, I feel like I let her down. I owe my daughter an apology and need to ask her for forgiveness as I promise her to put forth my best effort to get it right from now on. I will be more guarded with the details of her past. Because they are the details that make up her past, not mine. She is her own person and deserves to share the way she wants to when she is ready. I want to empower her by giving her the words she needs to share for herself. We will help her learn to tell her own story through books, conversations, and the use of a Life Book so that she can share if she wants to. And if she doesnʼt want to share? Well thatʼs perfectly fine too. Because itʼs her decision, not mine.

(Shared at Death by Great Wall)

Give them grace

We’ve been pretty fortunate in avoiding the awkward public questions about adoption. We certainly get some odd stares here and there, along with lots of smiles. But we don’t get offensive questions. We get questions, sure. And there have been a couple times when I wanted to make a sarcastic comment, but of course I keep that to myself. Mostly, people are just curious and I am ok with that. Although interracial adoption is becoming more the norm, I know we still stick out, so some questions are to be expected. But truly for the most part, we go on about our business in public like any other more inconspicuous family.

I have often wondered what I would say in response to a stranger’s unwanted comment or misplaced question. What I have honestly never thought about is how I would respond to one of my child’s interesting questions. Here is how one incident unfolded:

Angel (age 7): Mom, where is Sunshine’s real mom?
Me: What do you mean? I am her real mom!
Angel: No mom, I mean her real mom.
Me: I AM her real mom! (getting frustrated at this point)
Angel: No, but I mean her real mom. You know, the one in China.
Hubby: (seeing the tension rising and me starting to lose my cool) Angel, I think what you’re trying to ask is ‘where is Sunshine’s first mom?’ ... right?
Angel: Yeah, where is she?
Hubby: Well, we’re not really sure where she is. We don’t know anything about her. But sweetie, Mommy is Sunshine’s real mom. She always will be.
Angel: Oh, ok.
Me: (calming down and finally seeing this is is a great learning experience) That’s right baby, Sunshine grew in her first mama’s belly and now she’s here with us. Her first mom is her real mom, and I am her real mom. We are both her real moms!

And just like that, the conversation was over. I clearly didn’t win Mom of the Year Award with my initial reaction, did I? As under control as I thought I’d have things with strangers, I hadn’t prepared myself for questions from my kids. I almost missed a perfectly good teachable moment because of frustration and frankly, annoyance, because it felt like she thought I wasn’t Sunshine’s “real mom.” Fortunately hubby was there to pick up the pieces before things really fell apart, but man, I totally failed that one! I didn’t extend her any grace. I got frustrated with her because in my mind, of all people, members of our own family should understand the proper adoption lingo.  Right? Right? ... Crickets ...

Yeah, I didn’t think so. This really got me thinking about a couple things.

First, we missed the boat in explaining the different roles of “first mom” and “second mom” ... to our own kids! We’ve had a bazillion conversations about China, birth parents, foster parents, etc. but we didn’t lay enough groundwork for it to all sink in. And then when given an awesome teachable moment, I got frustrated and almost missed it.

Second, if my own children don’t understand the correct adoption lingo, I certainly can’t expect strangers to either. It needs to be taught. This is where the “give them grace” thing comes into play. When being asked, “Oh, is she your real daughter,” or “Are they real sisters?” ... it would be so easy for me to lose my cool and snap back with a sarcastic comment like, “Well are they your real kids?” I can clearly see that in myself now after my frustrated reaction to Angel. Instead, I’m hopeful that I can take a deep breath, focus, extend them a little grace, and use it as a teachable moment for them too.

502

That’s the number of days it took Sunshine to feel comfortable enough to stay in the church nursery without me. After staying with her in the nursery off and on for months, I tried a few times unsuccessfully to leave her there by herself. I never pushed, just left for a few minutes until her screams became too desperate for me to bear. It was only a handful of times and in fact, I don’t really remember when the last time was. It just seemed like she wasn’t ready and I was ok with that, so I stopped trying for awhile. There are many things I’ve had to push since she’s been home, but forcing her to stay somewhere without me when she’s not comfortable? That isn’t one I’ve been willing to do.

I am certain some people would disagree with the decision not to push her, but this is simply something that is not negotiable for me. If she is not emotionally ready to be left on her own, I am not going to force her. Sunshine didn’t have the well-attached, safe, comfortable, predictable beginning that a newborn needs. Her beginning didn’t pave the way for happy church nursery separations. And that’s on top of the fact that she cannot communicate verbally with other people because of her cleft. So although I may be willing to push her in other areas, I transform into total mush when it comes to leaving her. I don’t want her to be in a situation where she cannot communicate her needs. And I certainly don’t want her to ever worry or think that I might not come back for her. Ever.

I think about all she's been through, and all she still has yet to battle, and I'm overwhelmed with complete compassion.  There are many things in her life I have not been able to help her with.  But this one thing ... this is something I can help her with. Even if it had taken 1,004 days to feel comfortable staying in the nursery without me, that's ok.  Because she will always know that her mama comes back for her.

So church this past week went on like any other Sunday, except that I snuck into the nursery to change Sunshine’s diaper before the service started. I didn’t have any intention of trying to leave her in the nursery, but she had other plans! After we finished the quick diaper change, she signed “play” and indicated in a mama-just-knows kinda way that she wanted to stay. With me. In the nursery. I wanted to attend the service though, so I nonchalantly asked if she wanted to stay by herself, totally expecting that she’d say no way. When she agreed to stay on her own, it took me a few seconds to realize that I needed to react fast and get out of there before she changed her mind. I left so quickly, in fact, that I didn’t sign her in or grab a pager. So I texted the Children’s Minister (who was in the nursery at the time and knows the situation with my sweet Sunshine) where I was sitting in church, and she graciously brought me a pager and confirmed that Sunshine was playing happily. Phew. I walked out into the hallway several times during the service to listen for the cries I was sure I’d hear, but I never did.

She made it almost the entire service before she got upset and asked for me. So when the pager went off toward the end, I went running. I don’t remember the last time that I ached to hold her so terribly (aside from after surgeries), and I couldn’t get to the nursery fast enough. When her little hands clasped around my neck and she started crying even harder out of relief, I wanted to burst into hysterics along with her, but instead just allowed a few tears to roll down my cheeks. I’m sure the young girls working in the room (who were new and didn’t understand Sunshine’s separation issues) thought I was totally crazy. “Thankful” isn’t a strong enough word for how I felt. I was consumed with praise. I wanted to do cartwheels and cry tears of joy all at the same time. Because although it may be normal for most parents to leave their children in the church nursery, it meant so much more for our sweet Sunshine.

Celebrating differences

I posted a few weeks back about my son's giving heart and how he helped his sister buy a doll at Target.  What I didn't mention in that post was that the doll is not an ordinary baby doll.  Angel saw it months back and was instantly attracted to it.  Despite the multiple dolls she already has, she knew that this one had to be hers because it's different.  She is beautiful and adorned with colorful clothing and pretty jewelry.  She has henna tattoos, long dark hair and gorgeous dark skin.  Her name is Nahji and she is Indian ... and just as pretty as can be.  She is one of Angel's most-favorite dolls.  Angel likes to take her everywhere we go.  She has also become totally intrigued with Indian culture and wants to know as much about India as she can.  She wants to visit India.  She even told me at one point that she wished she was Indian.

I think of this story as a metaphor for her feelings about people.  It so clearly shows that Angel doesn't see differences in people as a bad thing.  She sees people as people, and loves that God creates all of us differently.  To her, differences are beautiful and natural, just as God intended them be.  Instead of wanting a doll that looks like her, Angel happily celebrates Nahji's physical differences and her Indian heritage.

I can't help but wonder how much international adoption has played a role in the development of her feelings.  I'm sure that she would feel this way regardless, but I truly believe that her heart has been opened to the beauty of our differences even more because we have welcomed Chinese culture into our family through adoption.  Although adoption is hard, it has had such a positive impact on our family in so many ways ... ways I didn't know would be impacted.  I am proud to be a multi-racial family and love watching my children grow in their celebration of all God's people.

(If you are interested in snagging a doll like Nahji for your daughter, please visit the Hearts 4 Hearts website and browse through the dolls they have available from several different countries.  A portion of the doll purchases are donated to World Vision to help girls in the countries that the dolls represent.)

Strong-Willed?

I often use many different adjectives to describe my 2-year-old daughter.  After her most recent palate repair surgery a few weeks ago, the top adjectives have been strong, brave, courageous, graceful and pretty darn amazing.  I have also called her loving, affectionate, beautiful, smart, clever, happy, funny, silly, spunky and feisty.  She is one of the coolest kids I know and I love that I am blessed enough to be her mama.  She is also one of the most strong-willed little girls I have ever met, which can make parenting challenging on some days.  She has been this way since we brought her home from China in June 2011 and that part of her personality has just always been there.  She has a need to control as many situations she can and will fight hard to get her way, even if the situation is inconsequential.

I know many other adoptive parents that have reported similar behavior about their adopted children, so I truly thought this kind of behavior was the status quo.  After all that our children have been forced to endure, being strong-willed made sense to me because it helped them cope and survive so many situations that we cannot fathom.  So although this behavior made for some interesting parenting days, I “got it” and didn’t think much else about it.

After I returned from a short-term Mission Trip last month, the strong-willed behavior seemed to kick into high gear and has continued through her palate repair surgery.  Her reaction to both of these major events makes complete sense in so many ways, but again ... the behavior has been difficult to parent and leaves me exhausted on some days.

So I started heavily reflecting about this behavior and pulled out the book, “The Connected Child” by Karyn Purvis.  I had read it long before we brought Sunshine home but it just seemed like a good time to give myself a refresher read ... I was happy to pick up any tidbit of advice that could help my daughter.  What an eye opener to read it a second time around after my daughter has been home for a year!  When I read it the first time, of course all of the information made complete sense but it was just theory at the time.  Reading it this time was a different experience because I could relate to the behaviors discussed in the book.

It seems that my “strong-willed” and sometimes defiant baby girl is still going through some adjustments.  Reading about this hurt my heart.  I naively thought that after being home for a year, these adjustments and transitions would have been finished, but I was wrong.  She is still adjusting to life and the major changes that we have recently thrown at her certainly don’t make that any easier!  Perhaps her strong-willed nature isn’t all “strong-willed” ... maybe she’s just trying to tell us that she still doesn’t feel completely safe and that she needs help in coping with all of the adjustments she’s been forced to make.  Maybe her need to control situations isn’t defiance, but simply her way of telling us that the situation scares her.  I do think that Sunshine will always be “strong-willed” to some degree, I truly do.  I think that she’s gotten as far as she has because of it and I am so proud of her.

But I have also begun to see this behavior with more discerning eyes.  It’s difficult to pick apart her reaction to a situation, because I don’t always know whether it’s typical 2-year-old behavior versus adoption-related.  But I’m learning to see what’s going on her little head instead of just pulling the “strong-willed” card all the time.  She’s not a typical 2-year-old and shouldn’t be treated that way.  It’s easy to forget because she’s been home for a year.  Figuring out the best way for me to handle a situation has proven to be more difficult than I thought, but it’s a challenge that I am committed to getting right, no matter how many mistakes I make along the way.  As her mama, it is my job to give her what she needs, even if it’s not always what makes sense in my head.

(Come find me on Facebook!  And if you have been blessed by my blog, would you mind taking just a few seconds of your time and click on the 2 links below?  You don't need to do anything except click each button once (you can click once a day!).  Each click is a "vote" that allows my blog to be seen by other homeschool and adoptive families so I can help them too!  Thank you so much for blessing me with your help, may God bless your day!)

Cleft lip & palate as a "minor" special need

Her special need really wasn’t a “need”…in the beginning. Her cleft really was quite minor and utterly adorable. Eating was terribly messy, and we had a lot of nonstop drool. And, I suppose when we were out in public, her cleft lip became more obvious and apparent as people stared. But I truly did not see her cleft. I loved her sweet face the way God made it, and her smile was absolutely contagious.

As her first surgery approached last August, I began to mourn the loss of her big clefty smile. My heart hurt for the pain my daughter was going to be forced to endure.


When we first accepted Sunshine's referral, the thought of surgeries didn’t really *hit* me. I knew she would have to go through them but I didn’t really *know* it. The thought of surgery was put on the back burner in the midst of all the paperwork and travel planning. But once Sunshine was a physical part of our family, the reality of the process and multiple surgeries set in. And, I felt terrible. Sure, I knew the surgeries needed to be done but emotionally . . . wow, that was a different story. Emotionally, I was a wreck. I got that heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever I thought about the surgeries. Well-intentioned friends said kind and supportive words, but they just didn’t understand.

Intentionally putting my child through painful surgeries to “fix” the way she looks does not make me feel like a good mom. I know we “signed up for it,” so to speak, but the reality of it is just not easy. Does it have to happen? Yes. Is it the right thing to do? Yes. But does it make me feel like crying? Um, quadruple yes.


Sunshine will have three surgeries her first year home and then several more after that in coming years. There will also be speech therapy after the palate repair, and she has already had months of therapy for physical delays. Sunshine has had 2 lip repairs (a simple one, then a more complex one involving her nose) and has a palate repair coming. She’ll need a nose revision after 5 years old and eventually a bone graft at age 9 or 10 to fix her gum line (doesn’t that sound like fun?). 5 surgeries total, assuming that nothing goes wrong in the process to require more repair surgeries. And then there’s the daily lip massages and the seemingly never-ending dental work that hopefully will not require more surgeries. I was somewhat naive about her surgeries. I knew there would be several, but I didn’t actually know what it would be like to go through surgeries with my child . . . the surgery itself, the weeks of recovery with little sleep, the physical and emotional healing. And truthfully, I didn’t know what I didn’t know about the surgeries until the first one was drawing near. I should have asked more parents about their experiences. I wish I had asked more about what it was like to support a child through the surgeries, the therapies.

By no means would I do things differently if I had it to do again. I am so thankful that we are able to love our daughter through this process; if given the chance, I would adopt another cleft kiddo in a heartbeat. In. a. heartbeat. There is something amazingly special about cleft children, and I haven’t met one that I haven’t been instantly in love with.

But, cleft lip and palate as the “minor” special need we set out thinking it was? Maybe the surgeries, speech therapy, etc. do not sound that bad “on paper” (they didn’t to me), but I can assure you that going through it is not “minor.”

Going through these surgeries, recoveries, and therapies with Sunshine, especially while caring for 2 other young kids, has been difficult. Since we brought her home in June, it seems she has either been transitioning, going through physical therapy, having a surgery, recovering from a surgery, or getting over being sick. And we haven’t started speech therapy yet. All while learning to attach to us and transitioning into our family.


Although there have been a few weeks here and there that have been blissfully uneventful, most of the time, we are working through something. She has spent a good portion of non-surgery times sick. She just doesn’t have the antibodies the rest of the family does and going under general anesthesia so many times has taken its toll on her lungs, making her more susceptible to sickness.

I am so glad the next surgery is now 5 months away. That will give our family time to be “normal” and just enjoy each other. Because despite all that Sunshine's been through, she still wakes up with a gorgeous smile every day and is such a sunshiney joy to be around. I am excited to give her a break and be with her just as herself, not when she’s not going through the craziness.


Considering cleft lip and palate for your special needs checklist? Waiting to bring home your beautiful cleft child? Don’t hesitate to get in touch with me or another cleft parent. Because it’s often considered a minor special need, it is easy to think you don’t need a lot of support or help in emotionally preparing yourself for the road ahead. Minor or major, multiple surgeries is a difficult thing to go through, no matter how you look at it.

Communicating through ASL

This has probably been a familiar scene at some point in your home ... your young toddler child is sitting in the middle of the floor throwing a temper tantrum. Tears are streaming down her face, her nose is running and her hair is matted to her face. She's kicking the floor and screaming ... and you have absolutely no idea why. You have tried everything to calm her down and nothing has worked. Age appropriate? Of course. Frustrating for both of you? Definitely. Sometimes there really is no reason for the tantrum ... but maybe sometimes there is?

I think it's safe to say that one of the biggest frustrations for toddler-aged kiddos is lack of communication. Or it's at least been one of the biggest frustrations for Sunshine since she came home from China last June. I am convinced that since we brought her home at 13 months old, she's known exactly what she wanted and how she wanted it. But given the language barrier, her young age, and her un-repaired cleft lip and palate ... well, there wasn't much communicating happening from her side.

Enter our non-verbal saving grace, American Sign Language (ASL). We had used a few signs with our biological children when they were Sunshine's age, but mostly because I thought it was cool and seemed like a good thing to do. We didn't actually depend on the signs for communication. But with Sunshine, signs have pretty much become a way of life. I'm not just talking about the signs for "more" and "all done" ... I'm talking about complete non-verbal communication with ASL. Not full sentences mind you, but "toddler talk" using ASL. At 20 months old, our super-smarty-pants can sign over 40 words and the list keeps growing. She has a better vocabulary than my son did at her age. She can also understand just about everything we say, and thanks to ASL, she can respond appropriately using signs. And although we still have the typical toddler meltdowns, Sunshine's non-verbal communication skills have drastically cut them down.

It's a long list, but to give you a clear picture of Sunshine's non-verbal capabilities ... here are the words she can sign and understand: hi/bye, yes/no, milk, bedtime, play, all done, eat, more, help, blanket, bath, come, napkin/tissue, wash, sorry, book, thank you, shoes, socks, car, mommy, daddy, brother, sister, dog, hat, stop, music, clean, diaper, wait, yogurt, baby, scared, ball, up, down, hurt and hair ... there may be more but this is the running list I have. She can point to the body parts on her face and I also have another handful of signs that I am working on teaching her: I love you, coat, happy, train, brush teeth, kiss, want, dance, sit, stand, banana, friend, gentle, outside, cat, color, and TV. And there are countless more I'd like to learn but I try to only introduce a few at a time. She can pick up some immediately after showing her just one time, others take longer. Some signs are used for multiple words, a few are ones that are not actually ASL (just made up over time), and some are Sunshine's toddler version of the sign. I'm happy to say that ASL has become a routine, necessary, easy part of our life.

Teaching Sunshine ASL was not always easy though. In fact, the first sign I taught her, "milk," was probably the most difficult. I started signing a few important words when we were in China but didn't really begin trying to teach them to her until we had been home for a few days. Every time we had her milk out to drink, I'd hold it in front of her and sign "milk." I even amazingly got her to imitate me doing it a few times. I did this ... a lot. All the time. Once I knew that she could consistently do the sign AND that she understood what she was doing, I only gave her the milk when she signed for it. There were definitely temper tantrums during this transitional period and it was tough ... a battle of wills on more than one occasion. Two strong-willed ladies both wanting different things made for interesting days. But within 2 weeks of being home, she was comfortably signing "milk" and it was absolutely effortless for her.

I continued to sign other words with her while talking, but didn't intentionally teach them to her for a little while. I wanted to make sure we had "milk" down cold before I slowly started introducing others. When she started to use "milk" for everything, I knew it was time to learn more. It was slow-going at first and certainly an uphill battle on many occasions, but worth every ounce of work. Sunshine learned a burst of signs in late November/early December when she was 18 months old - she was picking up multiple signs each week! We also noticed a drastic reduction in her temper tantrums around that time. I think that part of it was just being more comfortable with us, but I can also attribute her behavior change to language acquisition.

Using ASL has been really fun for our two biological children as well - they can interpret what Sunshine is saying for other people who don't understand it and they even help teach her signs! My oldest daughter learns some ASL at school and she is always excited to teach us the new words she has learned. Sunshine is still pretty non-verbal. She does not say any words, although she makes a few sounds that mimic words and she uses different tones extremely well. Sometimes I know what she wants just by the tone of her sound. She can say "ow" when something hurts and she makes an adorable "hu ha" sound when she wants me to sing to her. She can say "mamamama" but that's more mimicking a sound than an actual word. I expect that her verbal language will start developing when we begin speech therapy after her palate repair on February 21st. I really believe that all children could benefit from using ASL, whether they are speech-delayed or not. Research has even shown that verbal language acquisition is easier for children who know ASL!

Before you ask, no - I am not fluent in ASL and I did not know it before I had children. In fact, I only knew a handful of signs before we brought Sunshine home. I have learned from a book, videos and yes, I'll say it ... an iPhone app :-) The resource I have leaned on the most is a great book called Teach Your Tot to Sign by Stacy A. Thompson. I have yet to look up a sign that wasn't in the book. I also like the Baby Signing Time videos because they show multiple children doing the signs in their own ways. The iPhone/iPad app that we have is called Baby Sign and Learn - it has digital cartoon-like babies that show the signs. There are many, many more resources out there for parents, theses are just the ones that I am using.

Communication with little ones is always difficult, whether they are biological or adopted. Now that Sunshine has been home for 8 months, the initial language barrier is not an issue anymore. But there are still times when Sunshine is passionately signing a word and I have no idea what she's saying. I am so happy though, that she has the skills to be able to effectively communicate what she needs and wants. And if it's something we haven't signed yet, the information is only a book, video, or iPhone app away.